So in this week’s edition of “Cassie goes to pre-marital counseling”, I learned a valuable lesson in how to take care of our needs.
Let me just say that pre-marital counseling has been THE BOMB. I’ve learned so much about myself, my partner, and the both of us as a couple.
She explained that our bodies and self are like a car. It’s front wheel drive, and the front two wheels are our thoughts and our actions. The back two wheels are our physical and emotional feelings. So what we think and do control how we feel both emotionally and physically. If you want to change how you feel, you must change how you think and act.
Now here’s where it gets really good. The engine is what drives us. And it’s a 5 cylinder engine. (I know, I know, those don’t exist in real life, but just go with it – ok?) The 5 cylinders are as follows:
Survival – this is basic needs, like hunger, thirst, sex, etc.
Freedom – this is independence to make our own decisions, our free will
Fun – this is spontaneity, the creative inner kid, if you will
Power – not necessarily power as in “power hungry” but power as in your strengths, competence, and putting those strengths to good use.
Belonging – this is a sense of belonging both within yourself and within your community
Now. Survival is obvious. So let’s just put that on the backshelf for a second. Freedom, fun, power and belonging. We ranked those 4 in importance to us.
For me, it was #1 belonging first, #2 power, #3 freedom, and #4 fun. Feeling accepted and belonging are very important to me, but my strengths also are a huge part of me being me. (I get great joy from career success, and using my skills for a cause. Power is kind of my fun.) Kyle, however, has #1 fun, #2 belonging, #3 freedom, #4 power. Interesting right? My last (fun) was his #1 and his last (power) was my #2. What we had in common was belonging.
Other important things in relation to the car are oil changes, filling up with gas, keeping the interior clean, and checking your blind spots. (All of these have spiritual and physical metaphors to our lives.)
So in a nutshell, what we have in common unites us and what we have contrasting is how we fulfill our gaps. (This is also called a bonding pattern.) So I’m curious – if YOU had to rank these things – what would they be and why? And if you have a partner – what would their’s be? How do they contribute to your bonding patterns?